Santa, Baby…

Posted on: Dec 20, 2013

Christmas shouldn't just be a time for material things. But as it obviously is, here's what my letter to Santa would look like, if money and the laws of science were no object:

santa, baby

Dear Santa, 

I've been a pretty decent human being this year, so if you could see your way clear to put the following under my tree I'd appreciate it. (Also, sorry about the mince a bit peckish. I'm sure a man of your girth would be better off with the carrots anyway. Your cholesterol must be something else.) 

A Room Of One’s Own 

Virginia Woolf said that 'a woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction'. I think this goes for both sexes, and for any creative endeavour. I would love you to bring me a multi-functional studio, complete with designated 'messy' area for painting and other wet activities (eww, 'wet activities'), state of the art PC with graphics tablet, A1 printer, A1 scanner, and a digital camera. 

Tea Monkey 

This could be an actual trained capuchin or an enthusiastically bouncy work experience person, it's not important. What's important is that there is never a point when the tweety pie mug in my hand is devoid of tea. And a biscuit wouldn't hurt. The monkey must, repeat, must, be toilet-trained. 

Ability To Stop Time For Everyone Except Me 

Ok, now we're in the realms of the unlikely, but as I'm basically in a one-way conversation with a mythical being invented by a soft drink, we can let it slide. I also realise that this gift has the potential for abuse/chronic laziness so I would limit myself to a few hours a week in which I could stop time for everyone else and catch up with my admin, contacting clients, updating my website or finally finishing Morrisey's biography. 

Virtual Art Gallery 

This would help to assuage my ever-present guilt that I don't go to galleries often enough. I would simply have a walk-in virtual gallery, much like a walk-in wardrobe but more cultural. I could go to any gallery in the world at the touch of a button and enjoy the artwork in peace without flocks of tourists ignoring the 'no flash photography' signs. 

Worldwide eminence, notoriety and a pat on the back from David Thorne 

These I might have to actually earn myself...damn.

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